Baby #1

Today marks two years since we went to the doctors office and found out that our first baby had no heartbeat and would not be coming to our family. Two years. That went by so quickly. I didn't notice one year so much, we had just found out our second baby was going to be a girl and we had been working on remodeling and getting all moved into our new house. I thought about our first baby of course, but I had moved on and was busy with all the things that we were doing. This year is different. I am more sad about losing that baby this year than I was last year. It might just be that I've had a hard few months with my recovery and subsequent surgery and therefore been more emotional. Or it could be that now that we have a baby I realize what it would have been like to have that first little baby and I feel sad that I never got to see that baby smile when I walked into the room or laugh at his or her Daddy as he sung a silly song or even take a  breath. Or maybe it's because of the amount of love that I feel for little Ameilya has shown me how much I would have loved that first baby, I loved him/her of course, but I don't think I knew that capacity at which a parent can love the child they have carried for 40+ weeks. Whatever the reason, I'm missing this first baby of ours a little extra right now. There is no doctrine in the church literature that says what happens to a baby miscarried, but I am grateful that Tyler and I chose to be married in the temple and, if it is the case for a miscarried baby, that we would get to be with our baby forever (and the rest of our children, of course) and raise him/her in the millennium. I love my little family and try everyday to be worthy and to be better than I was the day before so that I may live with them in the Celestial Kingdom.

Dear Little First Baby:

Mommy loves you and misses you very much. 

Love, Mommy